New Year Same Me.....

So here it is 2020 the start of a new decade! And thank F*ck that 2019 is over. But also thank god we have seen the back of this '10 year challenge' stuff on Instagram and the whole 'my 2019 highlights'. Your not a premier league footballer looking for a potential transfer in the summer you don't need to self promote and try and show what a wonderful life you have had over the last 12 months to complete strangers on the internet. (Sorry going off at a tangent here and ranting).

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!! Hope the festive period has been an enjoyable and happy one for you! But if you are anything like me it won't of been.

I have never gotten too excited by Christmas but in my eyes that is what 10 years working in retail will do to you. For years now Christmas Day was just a very good day off, you can eat what you want when you want and the best of all roasts is served to you. Over the more recent Christmas's Christmas Day has also meant being the member of the family who 'ruins christmas' as on Christmas Eve I let my hair down a little too low, and wake up with the hangover from hell after around 3 hours sleep.

But apart from work and not being a big Christmas fan anyway this year has been especially hard. It has been the loneliest I have ever felt, there hasn't been one part of it I can say I have actually enjoyed. Staff night out with work yes was a late one and rather drunk one but looking back did I genuinely enjoy it? No. I would work, come home, make a cuppa, eat my tea and come to bed shattered but unable to sleep as I can't switch my brain off. And repeat day after day week after week.

Christmas Eve I am thankful to my close friends who I neglect and do not make the effort to see them enough but they are still there for me! They convinced me to go to the local pub as is tradition over the past few years and every year it turns into a kind of school reunion. I only had 2 pints this year due to moving house earlier this year and living 20 minutes drive away and no chance of getting taxis on Xmas eve I had 2 pints. Can i look back on that night and say I genuinely enjoyed it? Kind of it was nice to just catch up with everyone see everyone happy and chatting, but did I really want to be there? No I wanted to back in my safe place BED!

This is the first festive period in 8 years I have been single and the last few months I thought I had started to turn a corner and deal with the breakdown of my relationship back In February. I had been putting a mask up joking that being single for Christmas was great I'd save a small fortune not having to buy gifts for that one person. But you know what this time of year the greatest gift is companionship and waking up to that person you love every single morning and knowing you can have a crap day in work and you will be climbing into bed with that one person that night and all the stress and drama of the day will just suddenly disappear. Yes seeing their face when they open the present and unwrap a new Christian Louboutin bag does fill me with warmth and joy but nowhere near as much as the simple smile you give when you very first wake up in the morning.

Also just because you post that 2019 was a difficult year/hardest year of your life/had so many ups & downs, but 2020 will be your year or 'New Year New Me'. I woke up on the 1/1/2020 feeling just as depressed, unhappy, unmotivated and exhausted as I had felt for the majority of 2019.

Our addiction to 'Living our best Life' for Social media is slowly killing a generation, its destroying young peoples mental health, everyone is comparing themselves to each other, its stopping people forming actual physical relationships as they aren't used to holding a actual conversation with someone in person. It is doing FAR more harm than good and that is no more evident than at this time of year.

One of the times in 2019 I do look back on with enjoyment was actually November when I went to Mid Wales for 3 days alone, I took supplies, books, plenty of water and firewood and I had rented this very old large wooden boat that had been converted into a kind of holiday retreat right next to the shore line. It was the most relaxing 3 days I've had in a very long time, my head was clear, I woke up each morning with energy to get up and start my day, I had no way of telling what time it was, I had no schedule to keep to no plans nothing. But looking back the biggest influence on that trip was having no mobile phone so I had no access to SOCIAL MEDIA (I say social media I only use Instagram I deleted all other forms earlier in the year as I knew how detrimental it was to my mental state).

Bit of a random post which hasn't had much structure but to be honest it represents my life at this present time pretty well haha so thanks for reading and I hope to write another post fairly soon.

Cheers